I have no free time. I coach hundreds of young men, I run two businesses. I split custody of my amazing daughter. I’m writing a book. I’ve learned so much the past few years and what better gift is there than the gift of knowledge and awareness. Writing about my journey and the concepts I’ve learned to embrace feels more right than anything in my life. Sharing knowledge and elevating our mindsets is my purpose. The only constant in the world is change. Stop fighting what’s uncomfortable, embrace it. My passion is to coach, to lead, to help others grow and make a positive impact. If we each strive to reach our potential and just get a little better every day how could we impact the world? We choose our outcomes. We are the sum of every decision we’ve made up to this point. I choose to coach others on happiness, self-awareness, personal growth and help people on their journey to their best self. This is my purpose and this is the start of my journey to get there. I’m hopeful my story will resonate with you and I hope you’ll come along for the ride.
I was a normal guy, repressing my emotions, lack of boundaries, using coping mechanisms to shut down the uncomfortable feelings I wasn’t vulnerable enough to communicate through. I was also a Realtor, lacrosse coach and player at the highest level, chasing the dream of being a pro athlete. Key word, chasing. I was in a chasing state. Financial gain, winning games, attractive women- external happiness. Rewards, achievements, accomplishments that’s all I knew. I was a Realtor and a lacrosse coach- sell a house – a chunk of money – happiness, make a pro team – happiness, won a game, a district title, state championships – happiness. All short lived, reward based happiness, it’s fleeting, external, living an outside in life. Always thinking, what’s next? Never content, nothing fulfilling, nothing long term.
I met a woman I was passionately attracted to. I pursued her, won her heart, somehow got her to trust me even though I was undeserving of trust. We were passionately in love, it was sticky, unhealthy, toxic even, through the miscommunications, lies, trials and tribulations we built a life without a foundation, bigger homes, marriage on the beach. Eventually we brought an incredible little girl into the world, moved to our “forever home.” I had more than ever in my life, materialistically, externally and being in the home lasted less than a year as they say- money does not buy happiness. I was miserable, my partner was unhappy.
Life was a roller coaster. Sometimes I was up when I was having success, other times I was like a dark cloud hanging over our lives. We should be happy. Except I didn’t even know how much I didn’t know. Higher vibrations, energy, frequencies, positive mindset, subconscious mind, intuition, self-identity, having a stance, I scoffed at self love. I’m fine, we’re good. I’m successful, we have the American dream, let’s drink wine, laugh, have sex, wake up, repeat. I was stuck in a bubble and I was holding myself back, fighting myself. I didn’t or couldn’t actively listen. I used to blame myself but I accept, I didn’t have the life skills, no one ever taught me how. How many young men are taught emotional intelligence, self awareness and vulnerability. I didn’t hear my wife and eventually the connection was lost, we were disconnected.
Since then, active listening is a skill I’ve learned, along with patience (it’s a work in progress), communication, and so many others. Happiness is a choice, love is a choice. Both grow by consistent small actions, love isn’t just a feeling, it’s an action. Small loving actions allow the flower that is your romantic relationship to grow. I didn’t water the flower. Eventually, she left. Deservedly so. I don’t blame her, I’ve actually thanked her. I choose to be grateful and love my ex-wife from a distance. Yes we can divorce with compassion, understanding, acceptance, one sided, or a two-way street, either way- difficult but possible, sad but necessary.
When she left it was like a mac truck hitting me: BOOM!! There was my catalyst for change. Maybe it was meant to be this way, at one point I resented myself so much that I had no choice but to change. Well, no healthy choice at least. No choice that would bring me closer to success, to winning in life. The regret and sense of loss was so intense, so painful that I couldn’t sleep. I became obsessed with learning, about healthy relationships, mental health, leadership, parenting, personal growth, self betterment. I’m a competitor, give me the ball, no one can guard me, I’ll win the game. Except that’s not how it always works in life, in relationships, in love. We learn from mistakes, our muscles tear to grow stronger, our hearts are a muscle. You aren’t always meant to win, I’ve said it to my teams dozens of times- you learn more from a loss than a win. But yea it f*cking hurts. Our hearts are made to be broken, then come back stronger, stronger, if you choose to be vulnerable not jaded. We can repeat old patters or learn from mistakes, traumas and situations.
Life happens for you, not to you. I’ll never be a victim. We are the sum of all the decisions we’ve made up to this point. I was meant to go on this inward journey of self-awareness and personal growth. Maybe most men or people wouldn’t go this route at the age of 32 to reinvent myself, my thought processes, to re-evaluate my life and change everything that no longer served me. But that’s the path I chose. I’ve grown, matured, I’m a man, a leader, a coach, a role model, a father, and I’m vulnerable, I have needs and feelings and that’s what makes me strong. I will be true to myself, I will be my best self.
We choose our outcomes. When I’m old and dying if my higher power shows me a vision of my best self I’ll be like an identical twin rather than a complete stranger. I’ll travel, I’ll speak, I’ll write, I’ll coach and lead. I’ll spread the message I believe is my truth: emotional intelligence, relationships, subconscious limiting beliefs, childhood traumas, self-awareness, failing forwards, personal growth, internal happiness, goals, hard work pays off if you’re true to yourself. I say thank you to my former partner who I know better than anyone in this world, the mother of my child, the woman I thought I’d spend all my days with thank you for being my catalyst for change.
I choose to be grateful. I choose to be happy even if I’m lonely, down, or unsure at times. I choose to make consistent small actions to manifest the life I desire. I’ve had my birth chart done – and learned about astrology, I’ve worked with a life coach, done therapy – and learned about psychology. I finally found a therapist I connect with and love seeing. I work with an awesome life coach, who is an incredible story and building his own best life. JimmyDefalco.com Check out Jimmy D radio and his Ted talk – his story shows like so many in the world these days – adversity makes us stronger and change is possible. I’ve mentored under an energy worker and spiritual healer – and learned about spirituality, meditation, frequencies and vibrations. I’ve worked on myself to the point that I’ve become a certified life coach.
Now, I choose to attract things into my life rather than chase. I believe in source energy, all things are connected, the universe has my best interests at heart. I don’t know what road blocks life will throw out me, I don’t know exactly how I’ll get there. But I know what I want and I know I will manifest that sh*t into existence. I couldn’t save my marriage because it wasn’t meant to be saved. And, maybe this is the best thing that never happened to me.
I challenge you- What are you doing to build your best self? Start small. What’s your morning routine? Can you read 10 pages and learn 1 thing each day? Who are you hanging out with – you are the average of the five people you interact with the most. Are your goals the same now as they were a year ago? What is your definition of success, love, a healthy relationship? What’s your self-identity and where’s your inner thermostat? What small consistent actions can you take to make a positive impact on your life. It takes time, consistent work, consistent small actions, it’s a daily practice. Start your journal, write down your power list, your morning motivations. Cheers, to you and your journey, in the end it’s all we have.
I’ll see you on the other side.
Coach Deck
Elevate Your Lifestyle 